Emergency Contact Consulting™

You ask. I draft. You approve. You completely fucking disregard it.

October 10, 2026

Drop Dead Fred needed to call out of work.

Naturally, she came to me.

“What should I say?”

This is a service I apparently provide now.

People bring me their uncomfortable conversations, professional emails, boundary-setting texts, and situations requiring language that does not begin with, “Listen here, motherfucker.”

I take the panic, remove the unnecessary autobiography, and return a polished little script that says exactly what needs to be said.

For Fred, I wrote:

“An emergency came up and I can’t come in this evening. I’m really sorry for the inconvenience.”

Short.

Professional.

No lies. No unnecessary details. No supporting cast. No prequel required.

Fred approved it.

Perfect, she said.

Then she completely fucking disregarded it.

Instead of sending the concise little sentence she specifically requested, Fred created Extended Fred Lore™.

Because apparently, “An emergency came up” does not sufficiently honor the journey.

The audience must receive context.

They must understand the emotional landscape.

They need deleted scenes, director’s commentary, and several pieces of information nobody requested before Fred can arrive at the same exact conclusion I already handed her.

She asked.

I drafted.

She approved.

She completely fucking disregarded it.

This is not an isolated incident.

There was also the Open Door email.

Fred needed help writing an email about something she wanted addressed. I wrote the whole thing for her—clear, professional, respectful, and direct.

She read it.

She liked it.

She approved it.

She never fucking sent it.

Somewhere in the universe is a perfectly respectable email that never fulfilled its purpose because Fred apparently commissioned it as a decorative object.

It exists solely as evidence that I was right.

Again.

Welcome to Emergency Contact Consulting™

My current business model is deeply flawed.

Fred submits a problem.

I provide a script.

She tells me it is perfect.

She then abandons the script and follows the guidance of whatever tiny chaotic attorney lives inside her head.

Later, she returns for additional consultation.

Unfortunately, all follow-up appointments now incur a $49.99 re-consultation fee.

This fee may be paid in snacks, compliments, or the words, “EC, you were right.”

Please note that arguing about the invoice will result in an additional administrative charge.

None of these fees are legally enforceable.

They are, however, emotionally owed.

A Necessary Disclaimer for People Who Don’t Understand Friendship

I am joking.

Mostly.

Drop Dead Fred is not an actual client. She is one of my people.

I love this woman deeply, which means I am morally obligated to pick on her whenever she provides suitable material.

And she provides so much fucking material.

This is not a complaint, a friendship breakup announcement, or a passive-aggressive message disguised as a blog post.

This is affectionate harassment.

If I stopped making fun of Fred, she should become concerned.

Because beneath the scripts, invoices, and professional disregard for my excellent advice, the truth is simple:

If Fred asks me for help, I’m going to help her.

I will write the call-out script.

I will write the email.

I will rewrite the text four times because one version “doesn’t sound like her,” even though sounding like her is precisely how we ended up needing a script.

I will complain the entire time.

I will remind her that she ignored the last thing I wrote.

I will threaten to charge her $49.99.

Then I will sit down and write the next one anyway.

That is the actual service Emergency Contact Consulting™ provides.

Not perfect compliance.

Not responsible implementation.

Just unlimited access to one extremely tired woman who loves you enough to keep helping while verbally abusing your decision-making process.

Terms and Conditions

By requesting assistance from Emergency Contact Consulting™, Drop Dead Fred agrees to the following:

EC will provide a clear and reasonable script.
Fred will enthusiastically approve the script.
Fred will immediately improvise.
EC will ask why the fuck Fred bothered requesting assistance.
Fred will eventually return with another situation.
EC will absolutely write that script too.

You ask.

I draft.

You approve.

You completely fucking disregard it.

I love you.

Continued support: absolutely fucking guaranteed.

-EC 🌈